It was hard for her to accept that she had fallen out of love with the guy whom she had long waited to get married. What was harder was the daunting feeling of guilt that followed her throughout the day. The more she resisted her feelings, the more they were loud in her behavior and body language. One morning while getting ready for work, she looked into the mirror and yelled, ‘you are a bitch who is having such thoughts of giving up on her relationship after 3 years of commitment’. Her words reflected the amount of guilt she was living with. There were days when I used to hear her yelling and even beating herself and then crying to sleep. I wasn’t sure on how to get her out of the situation and felt miserably helpless.
Every time I tried to talk to her, all she ever said was, “I have no reason to leave him but I don’t want him anymore. I feel it’s time to move on. I am surprised that I invested time, energy, money, and myself into this relationship for having this breakup thought one day. But I am trying to get over this feeling. I am sure I will start loving him back someday”. She was fighting with her thoughts and feelings constantly.
I always knew Radhika as a strong woman with an undying spirit towards life. Her face was always beaming with enthusiasm and positivity. But this change of mind had left her shattered. She was brave enough to admit her feelings even to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, he only worsened her state of mind by doubting her. He forgot that before being his life partner she is a human being. It is natural for humans to fall into traps of doubt, anxiety, and fear. She kept admitting her change of feelings and saying that she will get back to the old Radhika. But nothing changed. By this time, she had already lost her job, meditations, and hormonal balance. I moved out of the flat and lost contact with her.
I wasn’t sure of what she would do. Sometimes I felt, Radhika would go against her heart and marry her boyfriend just because of her commitment. At this point, I realized that it’s only Radhika who has the power to put her life back on track. She has to get out of this chaos and that can only happen if she is ready to take a decision. I had no option than to send her all my sunshine and good vibes.
Surprisingly, last week I received an email from Radhika and this is what she wrote ‘It’s been a really rough year. I finally decided to move on and break up with my boyfriend because my heart, mind, soul, and every living thing inside me was against him. I was quite worried about him being alone and handle the break up. To my surprise, the guy didn’t take longer than two months to settle himself in an arranged marriage. I am quite happy for him as he had long waited to get married and could no longer handle his family’s pressure. It took me six months to get back my thyroid levels back to normal with diet and fitness routine. I am quite happy with my new job here in New York and would soon be publishing my first book.
The only thing I have learned from my situation is that I wasn’t ready to acknowledge and accept my change of mind and feelings. I was wrong to think myself as the doer of things in my life. I forgot that change was a constant phenomenon over which I had zero control. Things were quite difficult till I decided to accept the change and surrender. Beyond this point, everything started to flow towards perfection.
He wanted marriage and so did it happen for him. I wanted to focus on my career and do something different and here I am putting my heart and soul in it.
People, situations, and even our own thoughts will continue to trouble us till we accept them. I am grateful towards life for giving me a chance to experiment with my thoughts and creativity with this new recipe of peace. Peace=Acceptance.
PS: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.